10:49pm

10pm- I have agreed to a c-section. I am in tears, wanna throw up again, and overall am the biggest wreck I have ever been. My mom and all the nurses and doctors are saying "you did such a good job!"...Jake knows how I feel about having a c-section, and he is a wreck too. His mom pulls him aside for a few minutes. The staff around me are busy cleaning up and preparing me for surgery. I have no idea what to expect. A huge reason why I didn't want a c-section is because I had never been in the hospital before, even for a minor injury, so the thought of surgery frightened me. And I was so concerned about getting back to work ASAP because I didn't get a paid maternity leave that I didn't want a long recovery time. Jake comes back to my side, wipes his tears, wipes mine, and I get wheeled off to the O.R. with him walking beside me.

10pm-10:48pm- I honestly have no idea what happened in these 48 minutes. I only kind of remember the ride to the operating room. One clear memory though- after the cloth was put up over my bottom half to cover what was going to happen during surgery, the anesthesiologist came by my side to check to see if I was ok. I remember asking him "will they be able to get her out?" For some reason, I thought that because she had gotten stuck in me that they would have to pull her out. This was the vision I had in my head- my doctor pulling my daughter's feet out of me and yanking and yanking and yanking and nothing happening because her head was stuck. Weird I know, but the anesthesiologist reassured me that the doctor would be able to get her out. I think he even chuckled at me being so worried about her being stuck. I also remember seeing Jake walk over to me in the blue surgical scrubs, mask on, laughing because the covers he put on his boots weren't really big enough (he has a size 13 foot). But mostly what I remember from this short 48 minutes of time was exhaustion. I think I was dozing in and out the whole time. Jake was rubbing my head and the O.R. staff were busy around me.

10:49pm, September 23, 2011- Jennie Jo Johnson cries <3

I have no idea how long it took the nurse call Jake over to see Jennie. But when she did, Jake looked at me and said "I don't wanna go over there"...he was so scared of seeing all my insides from surgery. I said "go!" and after a few minutes, he brought the most beautiful baby girl over to meet me.

9:30-10:00pm- Yes

9:30pm- Back on my back, pushing for 10, relax, pushing for 10 again. Barely making it to 5. My stomach really isn't feeling good. I wait for my next contraction...here we go. Push push push push, relax and then..."Jake, get me a garbage can!" I can't hold it any longer. Jake holds the garbage can for me while puke harder than I ever have before, and all that came up was the chicken broth and Jell-O I was allowed to have for lunch. I completely forget that I was supposed to be pushing until Nurse Jenny says "If you can make yourself vomit again, Jennie may come out...that was a good push when you puked!" I'm crying my eyes out at this point- I absolutely HATE throwing up, and I'm exhausted, but I'm still feeling contractions which means I need to keep pushing. I can't fight instinct. Jake's mom had to leave the room because she doesn't do so well with puke, so Jake had to take over holding my leg. At that point, I didn't care. I was sweating, I had puked, pooped, and been in (what I thought was) every position possible. Nurse Jenny calls 2 more nurses in for help. I now have 5 nurses, Jake and my mom in the room.

9:35pm- My doctor comes in to check on my progress. Jennie hasn't moved an inch. I'm still crying but trying to stop because I know I need to save all my energy for pushing. Dr. Shah tells me I have 25 more minutes to push if I want to. When she comes back at 10pm, I have to make the decision. I want to push. I don't want a c-section. Somehow, some way, I'll get her out. I don't care. Dr. Shah says "see you in a little bit" and Nurse Jenny gets back to coaching me.

9:40pm- One of the 5 nurses suggests I try getting on all fours to push. It releases pressure off your back and allows the baby to drop a little further. At this point, I'm willing to try anything. I have to have help rolling me to my arms and legs because I'm so tired I can barely move. I somehow get my huge belly under me. I have to get down on my forearms, forehead on the bed and put my butt in the air and push. It's as awkward as it sounds, and you have to wear a hospital gown while you do it. I was 90% naked on all fours in front of at least 6 people (there may have been more, I lost count of all the nurses who were trying to help me) and pushing. But as awkward as it sounds, this position was extremely comfortable. I was using different muscles and body parts to push that weren't so tired. And at this point in your delivery, you won't care who is in the room. Instinct is telling you to get baby out, and that's all that matters.

9:50pm- 10 minutes of pushing on all fours, and Jennie still wasn't here. Nurse Jenny goes into panic mode. She has me get back on my back and if I remember this correctly, she asks for help from 4 other nurses. They do the elevator door thing again (read my last post for that explanation) while two other nurses hold me open at the top and the bottom while Nurse Jenny uses her hand to try and coax Jennie's head out. 5 hands in my vagina. And I push for 10...except I can't even make it to 3 before I give up. I'm exhausted, crying, wanting to throw up again. Nurse Jenny says "c'mon, you can do this!" and I know she is just as defeated as I am. She wanted a vaginal delivery just as bad as I did.

9:55pm- 5 more minutes of pushing, but I can't even make it past 2 in my counts. I can't do it.

10pm- My doctor comes into the room, and doesn't say a word. She sees the look on all our faces. She is quiet for a minute. Looks at me- "What do you think?" I can't even talk. I know if I do, I'm gonna lose it. I nod my head. She asks "Are you ready to go to a c-section?" I nod again, and can't even say the one word before crying my eyes out..."yes"

9:00-9:30pm- Seriously, how are you still reading this?!

8:50pm- What the hell is this black cloud my doctor speaks of?! Nurse Jenny says, "No, we are NOT going to talk about it". But of course, you guys brought it up, and now we all want to know. Dr. Khalek explains that my head nurse, Nurse Jenny, hasn't had a vaginal delivery since May. May?! It's the end of September! Every birth she has been present for has been in the O.R. because it has had to go to c-section. Not that she has done anything wrong....it's just been her luck that she hasn't had a vaginal delivery. My heart drops. Another sign pointing to what I know is coming, but don't want to happen: a c-section.

9:00pm- Pushing...counting to 10, take a breath, count to 10 again. It's getting harder and harder to push all the way to 10. Making it to 7 or 8 is tough. And all I keep hearing is "Look at all that hair!" My baby girl is so close to making her debut, but my body wasn't letting her out yet. Add another tally to the "bad mom" column...add even more guilt to my plate. Nurse Jenny calls 2 more nurses in for ideas on how to get this baby out. An older one suggest playing tug of war. Huh?! I have to hold on to one end of a towel while she pulls the other, and push as hard as I can against her for 10 seconds. My mom has one leg and Jake's mom has the other leg still, Jake is at my head, supporting my neck. I do this 4 or 5 times...no progress.

9:10pm- More rounds of pushing. My stomach is starting to get upset but I don't say anything. I just figure I'm getting stressed out from thinking about what will happen if I can't push Jennie out. "Look at all that hair!" I'm gonna punch the next person that says that. Tug of War hasn't helped. A young nurse (I swear she was only 16 years old) suggests laying on my side, one leg in the air and try pushing that way. So, exhausted as I was, I switch positions from my back to my left side. Right knee comes up to my chest, and I push. And push. And push. No progress. Jennie ain't moving.

9:20pm- Tug of War and laying on my side hasn't done a thing. At this point, I have a doctor, 3 nurses, Jake, my mom, and Jake's mom all in the room with me. And also by this time, I'm barely making it to 6 or 7 in my counts while pushing. The nurses and my doctor are all arguing over which positions and strategies are best for helping this baby out. Nurse Jenny calls another nurse in for more suggestions. Nurse Jenny doesn't like any of them- back to standard ol' pushing. But this time, she wants Daddy Jake to hold on to my leg. Ummmm, I don't think so. I don't want Jake to see my business down there. But she insists. Then says "I'm gonna use my hand to guide her head out"...so she slides her hand in me and I can feel her touching Jennie's head. Grossed out yet? Nurse Jenny counts to 10, and while I'm pushing I can feel her trying to coax Jennie out...relax, count to 10 again. Starting to feel nauseous. Still not saying anything about it.

9:25pm- Nurse Jenny asks for help from 2 other nurses. While Nurse Jenny has one hand on Jennie's head, the 2 other nurses get on either side of me, and "hold me open" with their hands while I push. Don't get what I'm trying to say? 3 nurses' hands inside me at one time. Think about it like trying to hold elevator doors open. Had no idea that was even possible. Barely making it to 5 in my counts before feeling like giving up. That chicken broth and strawberry jell-o I had for lunch isn't sounding like such a good idea anymore...

8pm-9pm...The black cloud

8pm- I feel my first contraction come on. With the epidural I didn't feel any pain with the contractions but still felt a sensation that's hard to explain. It's instinct at that point- my body was telling my to push this baby out. I tell everyone that I'm ready to push. Chin to chest, hands behind my thighs, Jake's hand on the back of my neck...Nurse Jenny counts to 10. And I breathe one more time and go for another 10...and relax. I can already feel Jennie descending in me...what a weird feeling. But it's true- you feel like you are taking the biggest poop of your life. One that you're not sure you're even capable of doing, but know you have to. And guess what? Because you are pushing like that, you poop. Not alot, but if you are able to see what the nurses are cleaning up after you push, you know it isn't just water (I warned you). Still resting, waiting for my next contraction to come on. Nurses and my doctor are busy getting everything in order and they call the "catch" nurse in, so called because she literally catches the baby after the doctor brings her out.

8:02pm- Next contraction, 2nd push. Chin to chest, hands behind my thighs, Jake's hand on the back of my neck...Nurse Jenny counts to 10. And I breathe one more time and go for another 10...and relax. Jennie is a little further down and even while resting, my body still wants to push her out. Have to fight the urge, and save my energy for the contractions when my body is more ready to get her out. Nurse Jenny checks Jennie's progress- she says she is RIGHT THERE! She can even see a little hair! Everyone starts looking (except Jake, I didn't want him to, and he didn't have any interest haha) and everyone says "look at that hair!" She is so close! And by Nurse Jenny checking progress, I mean feeling an entire hand in my vagina. Doesn't hurt because of the epidural. Yep, here goes the gross part...

8:04pm- Next contraction, 3rd push. Chin to chest, hands behind my thighs, Jake's hand on the back of my neck...Nurse Jenny counts to 10. And I breathe one more time and go for another 10...and relax. This time, I didn't feel any movement from down there. But the whole time I was pushing, all I heard was "keep going, her head is right there...look at that hair!" Nurse Jenny checks Jennie's progress again (please don't make me explain that again) and says "just a couple more pushes!" She calls the doctor in, and we all start getting anxious. Dr. Khalek checks me (another hand!) and drops a bomb. She looks at Nurse Jenny and says that Jennie's head is stuck behind my pelvic bone, something I had kind of already felt happening. But she says it is ok to keep pushing, so we keep going.

8:15pm- multiple rounds of pushing. Still no progress. But she is RIGHT THERE! Look at all that hair!

8:30pm- Getting tired. Pushing is some of the hardest work you will ever do, even if it is just for 10 seconds. Pushing every 2 minutes now, contractions are coming faster.

8:45pm- Push for 10 seconds, relax, push for 10 seconds again. Nothing. She isn't budging. I'm starting to give up hope. The doctor comes in and confirms what I know- Jennie hasn't moved since last time. She is stuck, but doing fine- her heart rate and breathing are registering just fine on the monitors, so she tells me I can keep pushing. But she drops another bomb- she doesn't like her patients to push for more than 3 hours because it's too hard on mom and baby. If Jennie isn't here by 9:30, I'll have to think about a c-section. Then she looks at Nurse Jenny and says "Looks like the black cloud has followed us tonight too."

Wait, what?!

Here goes the gross part...7pm-8pm

I was in labor for nearly 14 hours (5am-7pm) before it was time to start pushing. If you thought my labor stories were a little too much, I suggest you stop reading. Now. Run away. Because labor is nothing compared to the absolutely disgusting job delivery is, whether you deliver vaginally or have a c-section. I assume since you're reading up to this point, you want to hear it, which means you are either a mom, or thinking about becoming one. So here goes...

7pm- It was shift change for the labor and delivery staff. Luckily I had the same doctor (Dr. Khalek) but my main nurse changed. Her name was Jenny. What an amazing coincidence! We were so excited, the nurse included...we talked about how it was fate that she was working that night, and she had never delivered a baby named Jenny (or Jennie, which is how my daughter's name is spelled). While Jenny prepared things for the doctor to do my next exam, the excitement began to build.

7:15pm- Dr. Khalek does her exam. I'm at 10cm dilated. It's go time! Nurse Jenny says one of the most haunting phrases from my whole ordeal- "I'll bet in 2 or 3 pushes, Miss Jennie will be here!" All the nurses and my doctor say if I want to see anyone one last time before I have a baby, now is the time. Our dads come in, and I don't remember if anyone else did. We chatted while the staff prepared the delivery room: turning on the heater in the crib, setting up all the tools and instruments needed for delivery, and I'm sure a hundred other things I didn't witness. The doctor says she is going to go check on her other patients while Nurse Jenny coaches me through some practice pushes.

7:30pm- Practice run- I scoot to the end of the bed. Nurse Jenny says I have to pick two people, one to hold each of my feet up while I push. I wasn't sure how Jake would do from that angle (I didn't want him seeing anything down there, and he had no interest in it either), so I said my mom and Jake's mom could. I was told to push my chin to my chest, wrap my hands around the backs of my thighs, and push like I was taking a crap. Ok, I'm sure the nurse said something more professional, but I don't remember. It's true what they say- you do have to push like you are going to the bathroom. I have my chin to my chest, Jake is supporting my neck, and each one of my feet is one of Jennie's future grandmas' hands- I have to take a deep breath, let it out, take another deep breath, and PUSHHHHHHH while Nurse Jenny counts to 10. I do this a couple of times and Nurse Jenny is telling everyone to get ready to see a baby by 8pm- I'm doing great pushing.

7:45pm- Dr. Khalek comes in, does another exam to see how far Jennie has descended (can't feel a thing, thanks to the epidural...amazing!) and she says her head is RIGHT THERE, and that I'm at "+1". I'm not sure what that means still to this day but I guess it meant Jennie was gonna come, and gonna come soon. Nurse Jenny instructs me that from now on, whenever I a) feel a contraction coming on or b) she sees a contraction happening on the monitor I'm going to push, just like I did practicing. Everyone started placing bets on when Jennie would arrive, and everyone said sometime before 8pm. I was so excited!

8pm- I start pushing...

Good luck

2pm- The nurse is checking my vitals, and I'm in intense pain. Like wanna scream curse words at the top of my lungs, but can't because I'm in too much pain to even speak. Shaking, holding onto the bedrails, and just want to take a nap but that isn't possible with how I'm feeling. How can that be, when just an hour ago I was sitting up, eating lunch and joking with Jake and our parents? As the nurse is checking me, she asks what number on the pain scale I'm feeling (seriously, dumbest thing ever. Can't I just say "it f'ing hurts!") I tell her probably an 8, if not a 9. My threshold was an 8. I knew what that meant. I couldn't put it off any longer.

2:30pm- I agree to an epidural.

2:31pm- Guilt. The guilt of not being able to do it myself. Having an epidural was one of two things I knew I didn't want to happen during my labor (a c-section the other thing). The guilt of feeling like I am a bad mom already, and Jennie's not even here yet. Guilt is a daily, hourly, by the minute struggle for most moms (and parents). You are forced to make decisions on behalf of someone else, not knowing how it will affect them later. Guilt will haunt you the rest of your life after you become a parent.

3pm- The anesthesiologist has come in and begins preparing for my epidural. My nurse and him both can see I'm not comfortable with it. The horror stories of how bad it hurts are the one and only reason I didn't want one. The anesthesiologist is walking me through the steps, and I can't remember if I asked everyone else to leave the room, or if they did it of their own will. I was left by myself with him and the nurse. And I prepared myself for more pain. He tells me he can do it in between contractions which are coming about every 2-3 minutes now- he says to just let him know when one is finishing, and he will start. I say ok, wait for the horrible wrenching and twisting of my belly to stop, and tell him it's fine to start.

3:30pm- 3 pricks. That's all it was. 3 damn pricks, and now I'm feeling nothing below my ribs. I went through nearly 90 minutes of the worst pain of my life, because I was afraid of 3 measly pin pricks? What the hell was everyone complaining about?! Literally, I feel NOTHING. Everyone is back in the room and already commenting on how much better I look. I feel so much better too, obviously, because I can now try to rest and prepare for the arrival of my baby girl.

4pm- The doctor checks my cervix (and the exam doesn't hurt! yay! I can feel her hand inside me, but not the pain I experienced before during her exams) and I'm at 5cm. Halfway there!

6pm- 8cm dilated. No pain. Amazing!

6-7pm. I honestly don't remember much from between 4-7pm. I think my friend Amber came to see me, but I can't remember. I'm sure I was napping. I remember the doctor saying I was 8cm dilated around 6pm, and saying I needed to start thinking about who I wanted in the room for the actual delivery. I was allowed Jake and 2 other people. My mom and Jake's mom were the only ones interested in staying (whodathunk our dads wanted nothing to do it?!)

7pm- Shift change for the nurses, and my new nurse's name is Jenny. Good luck, right? Same doctor though, which I'm thankful for.

Jake and me, right before I started the delivery process. Lookin' a hot mess, but I didn't care. my baby girl was going to be here soon!

A scale of 1 to 10

1 pm- So I have just finished my lunch (chicken broth and Jell-O, and it was amazing by the way) and am pushing my tray away from the bed when I feel a little something. Like I said before, nothing bad, just more of an annoyance. The nurse comes in to take my tray and notices my look of discomfort. She asks if I'm ready for an epidural yet (hell no...I don't want one!)and how bad the pain is on a scale of 1-10 (10 being unbearable)- I say around a 4. She then asks where I would have to be on the scale to consider an epidural. Can someone please explain to me the value of trying to gauge your pain on a number scale? I had no idea what to answer, so I said an 8 or 9. She leaves with my lunch tray and I lay back in the bed.

1:15- ouch. That one hurt a little. Pain is around a 5 or 6.

1:30- Ok, ummmm OUCH. I'm turning into one of those moms in labor on tv who is squeezing her significant other's hand and wincing. And I hate that I'm doing it but can't help it. It f'-ing hurts! But no epidural. I have heard so many horror stories about them that I'm more scared of the pain of it than the pain of labor. Pain is a 6 or 7.

1:45- One word- F**K!! I'm shaking every time there's a contraction, I'm getting sleepier by the minute, and no matter how I lay I can't get comfortable. I give up on Jake's hand- I have both bedrails in a death grip. I couldn't figure out why I was so tired until later (duh...it's called labor for a reason. My body was working, and working HARD) and everyone kept saying "just close your eyes and rest". How the hell am I supposed to rest when I'm in so much pain? Around this time, I begin to think- "I won't have the energy to deliver if I keep trying to suck it up now" and I seriously begin to consider the epidural. At this point, the pain is at least a 7, if not 8.

2pm- I'm laying on my side, tears in my eyes, shaking, when the nurse comes in to check on me again. She takes one look at me and asks "how's that epidural sounding right now?" I can't even answer with a word. All I can do is nod while my knuckles go white on the bedrail beside me. The pain is so bad I want to throw up, but I also HATE vomiting, so I take as deep of breaths as I can to calm my nerves. The nurse calls the doctor in and says it's time to prepare for the epidural. More tears on my part, but everyone around me says "there's nothing wrong with it". Yes there is. I DIDN'T WANT ONE. I felt like I was wimp-ing out on something that is supposed to be natural. Women have done it for thousands of years without the choice, so why couldn't I?

**To this day, I have no idea what happened in that one short hour. I went from not feeling a thing to the worst pain of my life in 60 minutes. From talking with other moms, I think this was a pretty rare experience. Most moms I know say their pain progressed fairly even throughout the labor process. If I haven't scared you off yet, I hope you'll continue reading tomorrow, when I talk about the rest of my labor up until the point of delivery :)