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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Being a grown-up

At 23 years old (almost week), I have been through my fair share of troubles and hard times, but nothing compares to what has happened to me recently. It amazes me how "grown up" I have become in just the less-than-4 months that have passed since having my baby girl. The one and only time I have been up past 10pm was New Year's Eve. I don't care about how I look or how I am feeling- my thoughts about appearance and well-being have all turned towards Jennie. While at work today, even as I led circle time and an art project, my one and only thought was "I wonder how Jennie is feeling" because she was up half the night coughing. Like tears streaming down her face and spitting up phlegm coughing- Jake was up with her from 11:30pm to after 1:30am, and when she woke up again at 5am, she was doing the same thing. She wasn't running a fever, so I was faced with the decision to take her to daycare so I could work or stay home with her. Guilt either way- stay home and not get paid, or go to work knowing she feels like crap. Ugh. I chose the latter, and ALL day was bugged by the feeling that Jennie was miserable. ALL day...and now that we are home, I'm still worrying about her. Still coughing...we have a long night ahead of us.

While I have "grown up", I now notice more clearly how some haven't. And they won't until they have their own kids because they don't know what it's like to have 99% of your brain consumed by one thought all day, and that one thought has nothing to do with yourself. Until then, I'm willing to be a grown up for them. Someone has to do it...


  1. Leslie there is a big divide between those who have kids and those who do not. I did not have my children till I was older and really did not understand how a child just takes over your life till I was consumed with thoughts of sick children and what to do to make them more comfortable. I will say that you can always go to the doctor, don't worry about feeling foolish, sometimes it just helps mommy feel better!! Take care!!

  2. Leslie I so know what you mean. I had those exact same thoughts when Jillian was born and still am having them 3 years later. As for the coughing, I can totally relate to that as well. When Jillian was 6 weeks old she came down with her first cold, which just so happened to be the exact same night I was to go see Jason with Erika....needless to say, I went but thought about her all night and had the same guilt feelings that I should have stayed home.

  3. As I was reading this, I was thinking about even months after my first child was born, there became a firm line in my life of how I felt, think and reacted prior to having a child and how that life completely transformed into a person I'd never met after she came into my life. Once those little beings make their way into our heart we really are changed forever---in soooo many ways. The capacity to love becomes bottomless and seems impossible to understand unless you've experienced it. How fortunate we are to have the ability to love and care about someone in that way! Happy for you that you get to feel it too. :)

  4. Children change you forever- you can't go back once they take over your heart. I hope Jenni gets better soon!